Yes, I’m a mere mortal, and I face the same challenges as everyone, but sometimes I can’t help but feel like a fraud because I tend to only talk about the positive things in my life. In my attempt to spread positive energy I think I send out the message that I’m a person with no problems.
I receive lots of e-mail from people telling me they really like my podcast, YouTube videos and writing; these messages always give me a jolt of motivation to sit down at the laptop to pour out my heart and write. For the past few months I’ve been trying to dig deep, I really have, but I found nothing, and every time I’ve sat down to write within minutes I’m pulling down the lid on the laptop and going back to bed. Sometimes people ask why I haven’t posted anything for such a long time. I still haven’t replied to any of those people, but If I had replied my response would have contained one word: Life.
You see, for the last few months I’ve been battling depression. It kinda of all started when I got back from Uganda. I had a really good time in Africa, but when I came back to London it was clear that something wasn’t working. I tried hard to keep doing things I knew made me happy like making videos for YouTube, writing, studying languages, reading, etc but no matter how hard I tried nothing brought back the motivation and passion I had before going to Africa. I started to doubt whether I had made the right decision by dropping out of university, then I broke up with my girlfriend of three years, then…and then… yeah, you get the picture. Life.
I did a lot of reading online to see if there were others out there experiencing the same thing as me, and I kept finding the same answer to my enquiry: depression. I went to a doctor and explained I was finding it difficult to get things done, and he tried to put me on anti depressants. No thanks. I’ll pass. Not for me. I’m not sure what I expected, I really don’t, but I know I don’t like the idea of taking pills for six months.
Thankfully, I’m a lot better. Sometimes we have to take time out to pause and reflect, and this process can be extremely painful. Looking back with hindsight it’s now clear that I spent a lot of time holding onto the past, a system that no longer worked and this resulted in depression. Sure, I really like studying language, writing, making videos for YouTube, reading, etc However when I went away to Africa I entered my element but then I came back to London which for me is the complete opposite. The old system I had no longer works and I have to update and face the music.
It’s time for me to leave London. This is something I’ve known I’ll have to do for a while, but I was so busy holding onto the past its taken a while to accept it’s time. Anyway, I’m in the process of selling all of my belongings in anticipation to start a new life in January.
I’ve had to really look in the mirror and stomach up a lot of courage to decide it’s time to get what I want from life: adventure. In my head a hear three words ringing:
Life is short.
Plagiarised, simple and profound; they lifted me out of depression and motivated me to buy a one way ticket out of London.
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